When things go wrong, who do you blame?
I don’t know about you, but I usually blame myself: If my car tire punctures on the freeway, I blame myself for driving over a nail. – As if I knew it was there! During a discussion, if a friend expresses hurt feelings, I conclude I said the wrong thing. Or said the right thing in the wrong way. When a loved one hurts my feelings, I assume I am being overly sensitive. However, I do not readily take credit when things go well. And endeavoring to appreciate myself can be even more demanding!
It seems I play conflicting Disney roles of Cinderella, the loving girl, and Lady Tremaine, her critical stepmother – to myself! And at times, I feel like salmon in a gill net! Then I wonder how I got into the trap. Perhaps you can relate. 😊

The makings of a trap

Nowadays, under the guise of continuous growth, many of us obsess about how much farther we must go. And often, we are encouraged to do so! But few help us to remember the obstacles we overcame and appreciate how far we’ve come. Therefore, we know about ourselves but never really know who we are.

Expectedly, I did not realize this by sitting under the stars and gazing into the night sky – although I enjoy doing that! The insight surfaced during a specific coaching session. While recounting an unsettling dialogue with a friend, I admonished myself for how I approached the interaction. – For not knowing and doing better!

Seeing through the lens of appreciation

After the self-diatribe, my coach responded peculiarly. She paused for what felt like a minute. Then, she said, “You are very tender and gracious when you speak about your niece. Listening to you, anyone can tell you love her. How would you respond if your niece spoke about herself as you just did about yourself?”

Without skipping a beat, I responded, “I would tell her: my love, you are a rare gem: brilliant, beautiful, and strong. Please never let anything or anyone make you think less.”

Then, my coach responded: “What would it take to show yourself the same grace?”

Learning to appreciate

I felt deeply moved by her statement and realized the nagging of my inner critic was louder than the chant of love. Over the years, I have tried to practice appreciating specific aspects of myself. Although it is not yet second nature, I am committed to growing as I see its value. Fortunately, opportunities abound. Here is an example of one!

Some time ago, to alleviate intense back pain, I visited a pain management specialist. Subsequently, I shared my experience at a family dinner. While doing so, my tone was strikingly different from what it would have been in the past. – Typically, I would blame myself for bearing the pain for so long. Also, I would express frustration at myself for believing those who suggested the pain was my lot to bear and impossible to alleviate. But I did not! Instead, I expressed why I appreciate myself for being vulnerable – with a stranger and seeking help.

Beyond self

During that dinner and in other interactions, I realized the value of developing the skill of appreciation extends beyond self: Honing the ability to appreciate myself enables me to benefit others tremendously. In that, I am more sensitive to character strengths others display and eager to let them know what I see in them.

Delightfully, after doing this, I noticed friends began doing the same. – Growing the skill of appreciation helps me and others to be better humans. If there were ever a compelling reason to grow in our ability to appreciate, this is it!

Until next time!

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pixabay | Jobertjamis23