Recently, some friends made a stunning admission on separate occasions: They said, “I do not have many friends. I have many contacts, but only a few are friends.” It was a brave admission, and I was honored by their vulnerability.
However, if you walked past any of them, you would never think this because they are beautiful, intelligent, and accomplished! They are the people who seem close to everyone, and we assume they are problem-free. Yet, as I listened to them speak, their melancholic and slightly shame-filled tone was unmissable. It all led me to wonder: How many friends are enough, and how do we identify a true friend?

What is the correct number of friends?

In the 1990s, British anthropologist Robin Dunbar proposed humans can maintain 150 stable relationships with 3-5 intimate friends. One hundred and fifty people can seem daunting and draining, but three to five friendships are manageable for most. Coming to think of it, this is what some of us who identify as introverts have been trying to let everyone know for a while. 😉

However, as is often the case, one size does not fit all! The ideal number or range of friendships one might desire or be able to maintain at a given time could vary depending on several factors. Such factors might include life stages, culture, health, family dynamics, and professional circumstances. Unsurprisingly, as our life journey progresses, our expectations and needs change.

Friendship over the earlier years

In elementary school, our list of criteria for making friends is minimal. Typically, our friends are the kids in our class. When our parents ask us to invite friends to our birthday party, we invite the entire class―including those we barely speak to!

Fast-forward several years: in our 20s and 30s, we gain independence, form our convictions, and explore more freely. As our worldview expands, we become more selective and allow a narrower selection of people into our inner orbit. With this heightened selection, our birthday invitation list gets a little tighter.

Then, once we hit our 40s and later, 50s, we know more people on the surface, yet our list of friends seems to shrink further. We have less free time and more obligations. Also, devoting time and effort to cultivating new friendships often appears inconvenient. Hence, our birthday invitation list is replete with people we know of but do not intimately know. We might refer to them as friends and want them to feel close to us. However, as we are unwilling to invest more than a few evenings of laughter in them and the relationship, we know they do not occupy a special place in our hearts. Often, this is not malicious. It reveals an obvious but easily ignored reality: friendship is an investment.

A quality investment

Throughout our lives, we meet countless people: family members we are linked to but did not choose, one-time passersby we barely exchange glances with, acquaintances whom we know primarily by name, and associates with whom we share common interests. Some of these can evolve into true friendships if they are of a special sort. A true friend holds a special place in our hearts, minds, and lives because of the quality of our investment in each other.
Recently, I heard a story that exemplified this.

A while ago, during a phone chat, a dear friend informed me she was going out of town for a week to visit her friend. A series of somber discussions left her deeply concerned about her friend’s mental health. And rather than wait to hear devastating news, she was intent on preventing the worst from happening.

The heart of a true friend

Notably, visiting her friend required effort and was of little convenience: She took time off work, hired a sitter while she was gone, and missed planned time with her family. As a result, investing in her friend’s well-being was emotionally and financially taxing and required sacrifice. However, she believed it was worth it!
After the trip, she returned home but continued to visit, call, and write for many months until her friend regained her mental fitness. – This reflects the heart of a true friend!

True friends do not stand at a distance and observe us as we rejoice or suffer. They are sweating on the field with us, not screaming from the bleachers like a fan. They cheer us through wins and root for us when we are off our game – even when others are booing. Also, they courageously point out our flaws. But they do not do so to deflate us. They do so because they believe we are better than we know. A true friend wears many hats: cheerleader, coach, truth-teller, and companion. They are invaluable. And it is worth investing in them and letting them know how much they matter to us.

Fellow explorer: who are you investing in? And do they know how much they mean to you?

For you and to you,
Aké

Image Credit: Pexels | Polina Tankilevitch