Our People
Last week, I shared about my first visit to a psychotherapist. I was in my early 20s, and although no one recommended that I see one, I was looking for help. Therefore, I found her and requested to meet her. Fortunately, she accepted, and it turned out to be one of the best gifts I’ve given myself.
Over the next few weeks, I will share some nuggets I gathered through working with the psychotherapist, a life coach, and an executive coach. – I cannot stress how invaluable they have been in my well-being. Each and all of them emphasized how important and influential the people we surround ourselves with are. Through the years, I learned why and became obsessed with knowing my people and understanding what makes them mine.
Who are my people?
Aesop, the Greek philosopher from the 6th century, said, “A man is known by the company he keeps.” Unsurprisingly, the idea of the significance of the company one keeps has gained increasing popularity. Such individuals are colloquially referred to as “my people” or “my tribe.” But these endearing terms do not allude to everyone in our biological family, genealogical roots, or sphere of influence. Throughout our lives, we have hundreds or thousands of coworkers, neighbors, and associates. Yet from the huge funnel, we select a few.
So, who makes our cut?
Finding our people is a reward for vulnerability and hard work. It is the outcome of taking a risk and allowing another to see us while seeing them.
It requires a mutual willingness to be known. Being honest and open matters more than acquiescing. Character and values weigh more than common interests.
Such connections endure discomfort to feel comfortable. Therefore, they are not forged in the dark. Instead, they are cultivated in the light.
Our people are those we choose and who choose us – in word and action.
Diligently, every therapist and coach I worked with helped me to be deliberate in choosing my people. It seemed daunting. But the better I knew myself, the easier it got.
I choose those who…
Learn how to give and receive love.
Commit to growing.
Prioritize becoming better above perfection.
Care about the well-being of others.
Do not want me to suffer. This last one might surprise you. However, for me, it is a non-negotiable, and I note it last because I never want to forget it! Additionally, I’m not a proponent of the blow-and-bite approach in relationships.
No blow-and-bite!
Many years ago, my dad told me an intriguing story:
In a distant land, when humans were sleeping, rats would crawl to their feet and eat their skin by blowing air on it and biting repeatedly. By doing so, people would not realize what was happening until they woke up in the morning, bleeding and in pain.
Today, blow-and-bite is a slang term. Here, it doesn’t refer to the menacing craftiness of rats. It pertains to humans. Specifically, a disturbing pattern of hurting someone and then pacifying them, rather than acknowledging our misdeeds and amending our ways. Such behavior is manipulative and leads others to suffer. Such people are not ours.
Our people do not wish us to suffer. They desire us to be whole, not merely happy, and certainly not miserable! We cannot buy them, but we can find them. And when we meet them, we’d better choose them.
For you and to you,
Aké
Image credit: Pexels | Kampus Production
