Alone
“I am afraid to grow old alone.”
Not too long ago, a dear friend abruptly said this to me during a conversation. Instantly, I understood why they said it! The loss of both beloved parents and the end of a marriage would do that to anyone. Nonetheless, the raw admission made my heart sink, and I felt like crying. But I did not. Instead, I took a deep breath and said, my friend, I understand. Then, we had a vulnerable conversation. My response was noticeably different from what it would have been twelve, nine, or even six years earlier. Then, thinking providing value meant offering the wisest tidbit of counsel, I would have launched into an earnest recount of their many accomplishments. – All in an attempt to make them not feel bad. Little did I know when one is hurting emotionally, trying to square them away like a Rubik’s Cube is more hurtful than helpful. Candidly, I cannot say I know more now! However, I know I do not always have answers. No human does.
With matters of the heart, the best we can offer is often an earnest reassurance that another is not alone. But I do not intend to minimize the familiar pain of singleness and the fear that can accompany it!
The fear of being alone
The fear of being alone is real and painful. We grow up believing that when you are valuable, you are selected! This message is affirmed when we make it on sports teams, are admitted into our preferred university, and get our dream job. But how does one process the void of not having a partner to build and share life with? Here, not being selected can sting most. Perhaps because it is deeply personal! When we are single and do not wish to be, we can interpret it as a sign of our unworthiness. Then, remaining alone can become our greatest fear.
Several hours after my friend made the courageous admission, the sun was out of sight, and I snuggled under flannel sheets – a must-have for frigid temperatures! Watching snow flurries fall silently and delicately, I reflected on the harsh reality of the words. Consequently, I remembered that Valentine’s Day, the annual festival celebrating love, particularly romantic love, is weeks away!
The love day
Valentine’s Day, the love day, is February 14! For some, it evokes the anticipation of even better days. Therefore, they celebrate it! But for others, it is a painful reminder of what they sought but never realized. More than hope deferred, they believe their unattained quest for romantic love is hope denied. A confirmation that as they are not enough, they missed “the one.” The phantom one! – This is a costly myth!
To this end, I will share an excerpt from a piece I penned in 2023 called The Antidote to Division. Unsurprisingly, the snippet is on love. Also, it is based on a realization I made after spending years roaming like a lost sheep in parched land.
*Your one
Published on October 23, 2023, in The Antidote to Division
From stories and experiences, I learned that there is a difference between the proverbial one and your one.
Here is the difference!
The one is the seemingly perfect human who shows up ready-made with the ideal temperament, looking the part and saying all the right things. – This is either an impostor or a figment of the imagination! Conversely, finding Your one is a mutual undertaking, a journey of discovery, growth, and becoming, netting out in interconnectedness. For this reason, there is a vital presence of healthy friction.
Your one is your vital partner who echoes your greatness, sees your weaknesses as opportunities, and is your greatest fan. Also, they commit to knowing you authentically and help you to see yourself from different dimensions. Importantly, such a person does not make you think you are perfect. Instead, they make you feel safe in your imperfections. Ultimately, they choose you and walk with you.
One might hear another refer to such a person as one who saved them, to the distaste of many pining for love and desperately seeking their mate! Ironically, there is some truth to the statement because, in a sense, love is an act of rescue. And your one rescues you from living beneath your capabilities by highlighting what is in you, building you up, and loyally standing by you.
Undeniably, I am captivated by various facets of love because I have seen its brilliance, felt its warmth, and experienced its power.*
Fellow explorer, may we never lose ourselves in pursuit of a phantom!
Until next time!
For you and to you,
Aké
Image credit: Pixabay | JoseAlbaFoto