Power grab!

Today, humans are caught in a vicious sprint for perceived power. The race is in full swing in organizations when rewards are divided by stack-ranking employees. So that a few get most of the resources, and the rest are left with a smattering! This hunger for power also shows up when a handful own multiple homes and live in one, while many are homeless and live on the streets. Despite these stark differences, we share a keen similarity: A fear of being weak.

To assuage our fear, we may fixate on accumulating accolades, capitulate to all sorts of social norms, weaken our moral fiber, and plunge into self-serving relationships under the guise of mutual consent. Thereby propagating fake connections and addictions, leading to shame and an erosion of character. Depending on who we spend time with, we can start to believe it is fine because, as they say, “everyone does it.” But what is the true cost of entertaining and adopting such practices? Because what is common appears “fine” even when it is killing us.

More than AI and climate change, the preeminent threat to humanity today is the societal crisis of character.

We are at a fork in the road

Reading this, one may say I am prissy and intense. To which I would respond: Absolutely, and I am fortunate to be so! I have one life to live, and I’m all in! Growing up in different parts of the world, I was barely 12 when I saw what many 40-year-olds haven’t. Because cultures and laws are different. In junior high, on a school trip, my friends went to nightclubs every night! I went the first night, and seeing many people act out of control turned me off. Hated it! I thought, why debase yourself at night, when you’ll have to face yourself in the light? Attention is cheap, and self-respect is golden.

The following year, without training – just compassion – I helped two classmates fight addictions. Behind their bravado masks, they were covered in shame. And I believed the main difference between us was that I was raised by extraordinary parents who were present and loving. Yet, it didn’t seem fair. It taught me that life isn’t automatically a lush bouquet. And if you want a bouquet, you must create it.

Creating my life.

Immediately, I set the bar for how I wanted to live to become a person I liked and respected. Believing self-control is paramount to self-respect and fulfillment, I never swayed. And by grace, never will!

I respect myself greatly because of the choices I have made and how I navigate my life. I have worked hard to develop character, own my imperfections, and I am committed to continuously growing. To me, this is successful living! And as one with hypercritical perfectionist tendencies toward myself, admitting this is progress.

Now, back to where we left off! 😊

Who is powerful?

The truly powerful study and practice self-control. Yet they know they do not need to prove they are worthy. They know who they are and what they can offer. – This is exactly what makes them powerful, as it enables them to live confidently, authentically, and give without expecting anything in return.

For example, a truly powerful person doesn’t go into debt to hire professional landscapers for the community garden to prove they deserve to live in the neighborhood. Nor do they feel compelled to do the labor themselves if they are not up for it! Instead, they are content offering the best they can, no matter how small! Likewise, a powerful man does not tell his wife what she cannot do, mandate what she must do, or manipulate her into doing what he wants.

Attempts to control others reveal insecurity – not power, and definitely not love!

The message of control.

Controlling others destroys relationships by sending this subliminal, soul-crushing message: There are two of us here, but my needs are more important than yours. At the root of this behavior is a misguided, hurtful attempt to fill a deep void, often rooted in childhood.

Admittedly, due to the connection between complex trauma and childhood, I have a soft spot for the afflicted. However, blunt as it may seem, experiencing trauma is a tragedy but never justifies poor behavior. When we repeatedly control others, we hurt them and give them reasons not to trust us. – This behavior negatively impacts us as well.

Devastating Impact!

One who feeds on controlling others transitions from the innocent victim to a sophisticated version of their abuser. – Rather than hurting one who is incapable of fully understanding, such as a child, they hurt those whose understanding is clouded by their own psychological wounds.

This is creating a life and legacy where a dark past kidnaps a hopeful future.

The joy of repair.

Repairing a relationship is like repairing a damaged room. It requires addressing the cause of the damage and strengthening the structure, not just patching holes and painting the walls. In relational contexts, it means acknowledging what caused the rift, adopting a learner’s mindset, and committing to actions that will strengthen the bond.
Repair is about becoming a stronger us, not defending myself.

Two beneficial questions to ask oneself before initiating a repair conversation are:
1. Is my goal to let them know how much they hurt me and ensure they feel my pain?
2. Do I believe they are at fault, and I didn’t do anything wrong?
Obviously, if we answer affirmatively to either of the above questions, the conversation will likely be painful, not joyful. – As our focus is on ourselves. But when our goal is to strengthen the relationship, we aim to serve the other person. And the conversation is better positioned to be fruitful and allow trust to grow.

Trust in a relationship is like sunlight to a plant. And trust is built or broken in small moments.
Naturally, we may wonder: What do I do if I show up as my best self and the other person does not reciprocate?
While disappointing, their response will tell us what we need to know about them, and we will receive the gift of clarity. – Clarity helps us to move forward and find peace.

For you and to you,
Aké

P.S. For more, you may check out this powerful video by complex trauma specialist Tim Fletcher. – How Complex Trauma Messes With Relationships.

Image credit: Pexels | Karolina Grabowska