Why do you do what you do? Are all of your actions well thought-out and intentional? What is their impact on you and others?
These are vital questions. But we often avoid them. Perhaps because we fear the answers might make us feel weak and out of control. However, understanding what leads us to behave in a specific way makes us stronger. Sometime ago, I saw the effect!

One wintry Sunday, I met a woman at a social gathering. She was seated alone and had that look! – The awkward gaze when we are hoping someone will walk up to us and strike up a conversation! Recognizing her discomfort, I went to her and introduced myself. Visibly relieved, she thanked me for seeking her out and initiating a conversation. Then, she introduced herself as a divorced mom. However, as she spoke, one thing was unmissable: Even though the divorce happened several years earlier, it had a powerful impact as the wound it inflicted seemed raw.

What are you building?

Months later, we agreed to meet for dinner. Once seated, she began narrating an intriguing story. She met someone! Giddily, she said he was a charming man who was also divorced, and they had a lot in common. She added that although they went on dates frequently, communicated throughout the day, and spent a lot of time together, they were not in a relationship! However, she did not know what to call their connection. It sounded like a situationship – amorphous and ambiguous.

Sensing the negative impact of the obscurity and hearing insecurity in her tone, I suggested she gain clarity on how he perceives their connection. – A good and mature man in his 50s would certainly need and want clarity. She agreed, said she would think about how to approach it, and within days, shared an update.

A revealing update!

For several days, he had not responded to her text messages and calls. That was out of his norm, and she worried throughout the week. She said she did not want to have anything to do with him again! Stunned, I asked hypothetically, what if he was kidnapped or rushed to the hospital? Maintaining a stoic front, she said she did not care. I had never seen this side of her: She seemed bent on walking away to ward off any possibility of pain, with little consideration for the opportunities she might forgo. Also, she appeared angry. But I could tell she wasn’t. She was hurt. By truly caring for him, she realized he could hurt her. Keen on protecting herself, her flight response kicked in.

What happened?

Immediately, I reached for her arm, gave her a tight hug, and asked, “Who did this to you?” Within seconds, her eyes welled up, and with tears streaming down her face, she responded: “It has been this way since I was young. I will tell you about it.”

She was intent on protecting herself, and that is understandable. Unfortunately, when we close our hearts to shut out pain, we also miss opportunities for fulfillment and joy. Often, this happens when we don’t tend to our emotional bruises and wounds. And like a physical wound, when an emotional cut is untreated, it doesn’t get better. It gets worse, and often, it grows into bitterness. It is the hefty price we pay when we let others get leverage on us. – We forget who we are, and our actions are born of pain, not love, and self-protection, not generosity. Fortunately, we can help each other avoid this pit or at least get out of it.

Unforgettable Impact

We each hold a collection of experiences and dreams. Therefore, our perceptions are not based on isolated factors. While our disagreements and fights might seem to be about one thing, they are not! Instead, they are about the feelings a situation triggers in our past or how it could threaten our future.
Next time we meet someone who seems out of sorts, may we lead with curiosity by leaning in to understand, and resist jumping to conclusions.

Resources

Here is a powerful discussion about what it takes to listen well when the stakes are high, and how we engage truly matters: Extreme Listening with Deeyah Khan – Simon Sinek

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pexels | Juan Pablo Serrano