For many, marriage is the crown jewel of love – the starting point of the final leg in a long-desired journey. But today, the divorce rate for first-time marriages is 41%. For some, this percentage serves as a warning sign that marriage is a risky endeavor and perhaps an unworthy proposition.
Consequently, many people look for reasons not to get married. Some cite the financial pressures of a divorce as a prime reason. However, if money is one’s primary concern, a legal arrangement could take care of this problem. Others suggest the arduous process of rebuilding one’s life after merging and then separating it from another is a top reason not to tie the knot. Here also, a legal and bookkeeping team could help unravel the knots.

Unraveling knots

While these are significant inconveniences, they are not the ultimate challenge when the love bond dissolves. Healing a broken heart and restoring faith in love is. – Healing a broken heart requires more than separation from a perceived problem, i.e., shared property or a person who was once the object of affection and may now be considered the devil incarnate. So, what is at the root of the calamity?

Consider this: the absence or loss of true love!
True love is desperately wanted yet profoundly misunderstood. True love is not a feeling. – It is an action: a learned capability grounded in sharpened skills, and sometimes, accompanied by emotion. Yet we often assume that if we are not cascading in a whirlwind of emotion, love has gone away or was never there. – This is a mistake! Feelings dissipate. But love does not ebb and flow or mysteriously float away. Between two, love is a tapestry that we weave through vulnerability, intentionality, and commitment. On the journey, there are high points and low points. It is not an easy task, but it is essential.

Love: An uneasy task.

I have a strong bent towards idealism. I am a dreamer, and sometimes, I live a fairy tale in my mind. But I do not stay there for long. I have seen too much life to be out of touch with the reality of a broken world. Therefore, at other times, I look deep into the brokenness that permeates human existence – especially in relationships. Brokenness often surfaces in relationships in the way they end: Sometimes, it is a carnage of hearts and lives. Here, what we believe love is, and the broken ways we learn about it, expose us further to damage.

From fairy tales, we adopt the belief that love comes easily. Therefore, we do not learn how to love. It is something we want, not something we learn to offer. We feel it should just happen―until it doesn’t. In so doing, we forget that anything worthwhile takes work: it requires one to endure discomfort and grow. Love is no different.

True love is not easy. It is real.

When I think of what love means, I think of my parents: They are living proof that true love is active, not passive, and that it is not easy, but it is real. Here is a way I glean this lesson.

Today, there is much discussion about the unfavorable effects of the loss of a child on a marriage. All agree that the loss of a child places significant stress on a marriage and can lead it to its breaking point. On a low end, studies suggest that 16% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. On the higher end, the number increases to 80%.
My parents have been married for many decades, and over time, have lost a few children. However, through the agony and overwhelm, they did not see each other as the problem. Instead, they committed to wrestling together, not against each other. – This is what true love looks like. It is where partners unite to face difficulties and build together. Walking hand-in-hand, they face a challenge and fight against an obstacle, not against each other.

Fellow explorer: Like life, love is not easy. And love is only right when it can survive frigidity and away from warmth. Because then, it faces reality.

Until next time.

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pexels | Mario Wallner