Last week, I shared about a topic I rarely write about: Bullying! Nowadays, we frequently hear about this subject. However, it is not a new phenomenon. Bullying has existed since time immemorial and can happen physically, mentally, emotionally, or psychologically between two or more people. The Anti-Bullying Alliance defines bullying as the repetitive, intentional hurting of a person (or group) by another where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. Here, the one who intentionally and repetitively hurts another, or others, is known as a bully.

A story about a bully

Last week, I shared about being bullied in elementary school by a classmate. As bullies do, she crafted a story about me, and I bought it. It was a story of a weak girl who needed to earn her worth. As her debasement tactics persisted, the more I believed it was what I deserved. It was not until my parents helped me untangle myself from the hornet’s nest that I realized the story was false!

As you read this, you might assume only a child would fall into such a trap. However, it is worth noting that the bully was also a child: She was a classmate and merely a couple of years older. In addition, our initial interactions were friendly―she seemed keen on befriending me. Only many weeks later did I experience her true intentions.

Is this a friend or a foe?

Being bullied feels anything but friendly. However, sometimes, bullying begins as friendship. Initially, a bully might appear harmless. Then, once their target falls into the trap, they become controlling and exercise their power.

When I was older and reflected on my experience with the bully, my realizations stunned me! It was evident that she had learnt about me and studied my behavior. Initially, she seemed friendly, sought me out, and was interested in knowing me. The more she knew what mattered to me, the better she was at pulling the right levers to make me subservient.

A bully’s levers

When many people think about a bully, they might imagine or recall a kid who calls other kids derogatory names. Or taunts and fights with weaker classmates in public to embarrass them.

My experience was markedly different. I do not remember being shoved around on the playground or arguing much with the bully in the presence of others. Perhaps because she initially suggested and later insisted that we not hang around others. Here, she stealthily pulled the lever of isolation.

Isolation

Bullies tend to monopolize the time and attention of those they prey on. Then, steeped in despair and shame, the target isolates themself. And the insistence of the bully that the target does not repeat what they say to others perpetuates this. Isolation is a primary tactic in bullying. And being bullied can feel incredibly lonely.

I had many friends before I met the classmate who bullied me. Over time, she found a way to pull me away. During recess, she would tell me she had a secret to share and lure me away from others. I felt selected and was curious, so I went along. But after some time, the meetups became hostile interactions where she exerted undue influence.

Power exertion

Reading this, you might think, how could a little child exert power over anyone? For many years, I thought the same. Also, I felt incredible shame that I let another overpower me. Fortunately, working with therapists and life coaches helped me uncover powerful insights. Through the learning journey, I saw myself not as a victim, but as a target. Also, I learned that bullying has no age limit, and can happen wherever humans gather – schools, offices, homes, neighborhoods, online, and more.

Indeed, we might be fortunate to meet friendly people or make many acquaintances. However, not all are necessarily true friends. – Recognizing the difference between an acquaintance, a friendly associate, and a true friend enables us to be clear-minded and relate deliberately with others.

Fellow explorer, I leave you with this: People of all ages experience bullying in different forms every day. Often, it flies under the radar until the situation becomes dire. May this serve as a reminder to remain alert and courageously look beyond the surface whenever we sense something might be off. You never know who you might become a hero to.

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pexels | Mikhail Nilov