Sudden danger. Peril. Sudden attack. Distress.
Above are some words that describe fear in Old English and Proto-Germanic languages. What do you think about these? To you, what is fear?

Like many of us, I have contemplated the concept of fear: what it is, what evokes it, and how it impacts our lives. Perhaps you have also, as fear is familiar territory – so much so that the restlessness of fear may seem more appealing than the rest of comfort. And when we marinate in fear, we may be lulled to think we are living an exciting life – one where we always look out for danger like a superhero. However, sooner or later, we realize that succumbing to fear is far from heroic! Instead, it leads to the path of missed opportunities and dooms one to a life replete with what-ifs.

A familiar nemesis

Nonetheless, there are many reasons to be fearful, as has been the case for as long as we can recall. When our ancestors roamed the earth and inhabited caves, they encountered menacing physical threats like lions and dinosaurs. Those were legitimate reasons to cower in a hole or sleep on a tree! Nowadays, although we experience physical threats, most of us do not bump into Simba, The Lion, as we head to the grocery store. However, we still fear – a lot! Why is that so?

Perhaps because, as Psychology Today states, fear is a vital response to physical or emotional danger. Although we have grown in our ability to protect ourselves from many external physical threats, we have much more to learn about emotional fears and what is required to free ourselves from their grip.

An aside 🙂

I do not advocate for ultra-fearless living, as I believe some fear is necessary and beneficial. For example, if fear of losing freedom dissuades one from robbing a bank and holding the staff hostage, that is beneficial. Or if the fear of getting a speeding ticket makes a driver slow down as they drive by a school, that is good. Of course, we hope everyone will do the right thing because they want to.

However, as we know, our consciences can be dulled, and when that happens, we may need an external prod to wake us up. In such instances, fear benefits us. But more often than not, fear is not beneficial.

The thief of opportunity

Would I accept his invitation to attend the business event? Should I introduce myself to her? Dare I apply for that job position I have had my eye on?
Sound familiar? I bet it does! Sometimes, we ask ourselves such questions and freeze, believing venturing into the unknown is unsafe. And it may be. But deciding to stay put may also be moments when we allow worthy opportunities to get snatched from right under our noses. And the sly thief is the infiltrator called fear.
Fear is either the path that leads to safety or the thief of opportunity.

Considering and pursuing worthy opportunities is one of the most promising yet fear-inducing decisions one can make. Doing so a few times almost certainly guarantees you will receive rejection – a source of trepidation. But it also enables you to leave no stones unturned.
Sounds poetic and perhaps romantic! But what does this look like?

No stone unturned

Leaving no stone unturned might mean introducing ourselves to another, although intimidated and petrified. Or apply for a job we want even though we fear we might not get a callback. Or perhaps, if we do not get a promotion at work, we avoid the guessing game. And approach the manager to understand what we could have done better.

Such behaviors may sound like the menu for gluttons for punishment! However, there is a significant advantage to not confining oneself to an ultra-safe existence rooted in fear: Moving past one’s fears allows one to see the value of others and cultivate deep friendships. Indeed, we do not have to go it alone.

To make this lucid, I will share a memorable experience.

Unlocking opportunities

Many moons ago, I worked with an instrumental life coach whom a dear friend and colleague introduced to me. The coach was named Paula. I would summarize my first impression of her in one phrase: Well-put-together! Paula was always well put together! If you saw her in the grocery store, at a PTA meeting, or airport lounge, you would assume she was the head of a large enterprise and spent her days globe-trotting and closing deals.

At the onset, I wanted to show up well: neither helpless nor desperate – like most of us do when we first meet someone. Generously, for a few weeks, Paula allowed me to have my way: During our meetings, I articulated a problem and immediately followed up with a solution. Suddenly, I was a pro at solving all of my problems. 😉

However, Paula was gracious, and although she was on to me, she never embarrassed me by sharing her observation of my invulnerable tendencies. But one day, an opportunity laid bare, and she seized it!

An opportunity for straight talk

I shared that I was struggling to decipher the intentions of others – personally and professionally. As a result, I was forming conclusions based on assumptions. Importantly, I often assumed that others did not mean well. Therefore, my actions and choices were self-protective, not self-assuring. – This was a vulnerable moment, and I felt exposed. But Paula handled it astutely. While discussing a particular issue involving a client, she looked at me with compassion-filled eyes and asked me how I would respond to him if I were giving straight talk.

Instantly, she quickly noticed my confused glare and asked, do you know what straight talk is? I responded no, I do not. For the next few minutes, she explained that she was referring to honest and direct communication in which I expressed my feelings without diminishing myself and massaging the message into one I felt others would accept.

Beneath the surface

Once she explained this, it hit home! I recalled many instances when I put copious effort into ensuring others did not feel bad. Also, I realized how my attempts to protect the feelings of others prevented me from expressing myself. Suddenly, I sat there with my tail between my legs. But being a good coach, Paula did not leave me alone. Instead, she spent the next half hour demonstrating how I could develop and practice the skill of straight talk, i.e., be authentic.

Looking beneath the surface, she helped me realize that my invulnerable tendencies were merely a symptom. The root was fear of losing a relationship or being left out of a group. The steep cost I incurred for allowing fear to take the reins was a lack of thriving. And what I lost was an untold opportunity.

A skill that unlocks opportunities

Unsurprisingly, years later, I am still learning. – I continuously hone my ability to express myself authentically, be frank in conversations, and handle the wrath that sometimes ensues. Being authentic can rock the foundation of a weak relationship. For this reason, it requires one to face one’s fears. However, the discomfort is worth it as it allows one to develop close relationships and best friendships.

As we carry on with our lives, I hope we take a moment to examine our fears and their impact and consider how we might embrace authenticity.

Have a great week!

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pexels | Pixabay