The Life Puzzles Series: Piece 4

Making a friend or enemy starts with a name.

At a first meeting, have you ever felt instantly connected or distant from another? Ever wonder what led to that feeling? Was it their tone, facial expression, the weather, the environment, or something else? Right off the bat, when another addresses us, we experience a subconscious emotion, which often becomes a visible reaction.
For example, when two humans greet each other at a coffee shop, office, or elsewhere, one may react in one of three ways: They may become visibly disturbed, smile from east to west, or remain emotionless. Essentially, in the first, the person behaves as if they ran into their arch nemesis! In the second, they react as if they received an invitation on a 24K gold leaf sheet from the person of their dreams. And in the third, they keep their feelings close to the vest. – This is puzzling!

Admittedly, I love people-watching because humans are fascinating. Therefore, I often wonder what leads one to have a warm response or a frigid one before a conversation starts. Could it be The Backdrop Effect, i.e., perceptions and memories that form the setting through which we view situations and digest experiences? Such as growing anticipation from a fond memory, irritability at being interrupted while watching the latest episode of A Bit of Optimism, or a reaction to what one called them.

What others call us

Growing up, I lived in cultures where a child’s name was considered a foreshadowing of the child’s future. For this reason, no one named their child Sadness, Thief, or Unattractive. Instead, people gave their children names such as Joy, Beautiful, and Sunshine. As you read this, your first or second thought might have been: Aké, who in their right mind puts so much weight in a word?

Well, let us explore this from a different angle!

At the end of every year, various lists are published, such as lists of best cars, best vacation destinations, and more. But I am not engrossed by the list of cars or gadgets. Instead, I am intrigued by the most popular baby names! And I read the list for a sole purpose: To learn what and whom we are naming future generations after.

The significance of a name

From an early age, I learned the significance of a name and realized that names are more than a group of letters. My parents gave me the name of my paternal great-grandmother. – A decision I took great pleasure in because although I am the youngest, I am the most senior in my family by naming convention. And I did not hesitate to remind my sisters and parents of this when it benefitted me! 😉 But when I was younger, my mother rarely called me by my full name, i.e., great-grandmother’s name. Instead, she and my dad called me by an abbreviated version. However, occasionally, my mom called me by my full name. Whenever she did, I trembled because I knew I was in trouble. At those moments, she enquired about something mischievous I had said or done and taught me to correct my thinking and behavior. As most kids do not relish discipline, I did not enjoy those moments.

Decades later, I still have a visceral reaction when someone calls me by my full name. – My heart beats a little faster, as it did when I was a young girl. Peculiarly, I also feel distant from a person who calls me by my full name. It is as though merely uttering the name placed a wedge between us.

Wedges and Bridges

Understandably, some may struggle to understand my name sensitivity, but we each have idiosyncrasies. For example, some do not like being called specific pet names such as Baby. Others insist you address them by a title such as Mrs. or Doctor. Their insistence might perturb some who find it egoistic. However, when deciding how to address someone, we must ask ourselves whether we intend to form a wedge or build a bridge.

As titles or slang terms strike different chords with people, it is best to avoid calling people we do not know words like dude, girl, buddy, or sweetheart. Also, have you heard the phrase, calling one out of their name? This phrase refers to using profanity to refer to someone. Unsurprisingly, this often leads to spats or fights.
Some people oppose the suggestion to monitor their speech when referring to others and dismiss others as overly sensitive. But as all know, to connect with others, how we make them feel must matter to us. And the names we call others build bridges or form wedges. – They can foster connection or hinder the development of relationships.

How do you feel when someone asks how you want them to address you? I bet you feel acknowledged and respected. You may even find the gesture endearing. During an initial meeting – physical or virtual, to connect with another, practice asking: What would you like me to call you?

Until next time.

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pixabay | Viarami