The Life Puzzles Series: Piece 6

 To provide safety is to offer a soft place for another to land.

Last week, we explored the reality of ignorance – the state we might erroneously conclude is bliss. However, ignorance is anything but blissful and exposes many to unsafety, as discussed in the blog. Along these lines, let us explore a matter intimately familiar to all. Yet puzzling, nonetheless! Here, I am referring to the universal need for safety.

The need for safety – physically, emotionally, and psychologically is an oft-discussed topic nowadays. Like others, I think about this from time to time. But I can remember a time when I did not. – Like when I was seven years old and walked alone across greenfields and crossed a stream to visit a friend at her home on top of a hill. Peculiarly, on those excursions, the only insecure feeling I had was coming face-to-face with a four-legged creature. Also, if it happened, I believed an adult would show up. And in that, I found solace as I was confident when they did, they would do all they could to save me from a possible attack. – To me, humans represented safety. However, when most of us feel unsafe today, it is often because of another human, not a ferocious animal.  – Unless you live in the wild, of course! 😉

Safety in our modern world

Safety is a word we hear often nowadays: When you run a search on the greatest threats to safety on a search engine, the results are overwhelming. And when you consider safety or the lack of it on social media, every strand of hair on the back of your neck might stand up! Also, in interpersonal relationships, we use the word unsafe to describe how we feel about each other so liberally that one may wonder whether another is simply expressing hurt feelings and seeking empathy. Or attempting to hurt and warn another by implying that they make them uncomfortable. Or worse yet, suggesting the other person is dangerous! Grasping the essence of the statement starts with understanding the context.

We often express feeling unsafe in the context of the noun, i.e., exposed to danger or risk. However, when we express our need for safety, we refer to the verb, i.e., a need to feel protected against failure, breakage, or accident, as defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. The impact of this distinction is crucial in interpersonal relationships. – Feeling unsafe is always accompanied by fear, and feeling safe is the result of feeling protected.

Safe and protected

To shed more light, imagine this: You receive a gift to go on a trip to the Amazon rainforest for an all-expenses paid extravaganza. Incapable of understanding how you received such good fortune, you gladly jump at the opportunity: You take time off from work, and as no other friends can do the same, you decide to go solo. A few weeks later, you land at the Eduardo Gomes International Airport in Manaus, Brazil, and head to the largest rainforest in the world: The Amazon! On your first day, as you turn in for the night, you hear mosquitos buzzing, coyotes yapping, branches splitting, jaguars roaring, and leaves rustling. Jarringly, at 3 am, you are awakened from slumber by the sounds of snakes hissing. Suddenly, the tone and tune of your dream vacation changes from a thrill to a shrill!

Now, consider another scenario. You are in the same situation: on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the Amazon. Also, you are with a group of formidable warriors of the land, charged and committed to keeping you safe. And all seems different! The sounds of snakes hissing and jaguars roaring still frighten you. But given your entourage, you remain at rest. Notably, the presence of the warrior tribe does not erase the presence of danger. But believing you are with capable individuals committed to your welfare makes you feel protected. Herein lies a gem: We do not want to be in threatening situations. However, we can tolerate danger when we feel protected.

How does this apply outside of the Amazon?

“I do not feel safe.”

During a conversation or disagreement, when someone tells another person they do not feel safe with them, their words can pierce the heart. – The other would likely interpret their speech as implying they do not deem them trustworthy and believe they are ill-intentioned and possibly dangerous. But is that the only possible explanation?  Or did they intend to communicate that they do not feel protected by what the other person says and does? Or omits to say and do?

To explore this, let us consider common scenarios!

You meet with friends for happy hour. In conversation, one tells you he is insecure about getting bald. Another expresses insecurity about her weight. To the former, you respond, what do you mean? You are being unrealistic – everyone loses hair at your age. You never had thick hair – anyway. Much ado about nothing! And to the latter, you say, that is not something to lose sleep over! You are healthy. Everyone gains weight at your age. You were never svelte anyhow – even in your youth.
Confident you put their concerns to rest with your logical explanation and pleased with yourself, you carry on chowing down delicious slices of Margherita pizza. But your friends feel different! It is safe to assume they would hesitate to share their innermost feelings with you in the future. And when asked why, they might say they do not feel safe. Because when they revealed an insecurity, you responded in a manner that undermined their feelings and suggested they were irrational or dull.

A soft place to land

As you read this, perhaps you rolled your eyes, thinking people are too sensitive nowadays. Therefore, to better understand how we may progress, let us consider an all-time favorite: babies! Sometimes, to understand adult behavior, it is helpful to consider the behavior of babies – whom each of us was at some point. 😊 A baby happily rests in the arms of one they feel offers them a soft place to land. If a baby feels insecure in one’s arms, they cry and look for a way out. But when they feel secure in an embrace, they relax. Adults behave similarly. – We relax when we feel protected and express distress when we feel unprotected.

Next time someone tells you they do not feel safe, consider this: Could it be that what they are feeling but struggling to express is? At times, I trip and fall. When I do, I need your help. – Please offer a soft place for me to land. – In other words, create a safe space! To respond, try listening to understand by activating your sense of curiosity and withholding judgment. You may find it is just what was needed. To explore the interconnected value of listening and understanding, you may check out Hear Beyond Words. Understand Meaning – BLOG – www.akesatia.com

Of note, this piece is not a guide on navigating abuse. For information or assistance, you may visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)

Until next time. Stay safe.

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pexels | Yugdas Manandhar