I had just received a multiple sclerosis diagnosis, and a couple of days later I called a clinic for assistance. A woman answered the phone. She said she was a customer service representative and sounded professional, but she was also very callous. Still shaken by the news, I made my earnest request; she responded as if I had asked for extra ketchup at a fast-food restaurant. Her flippancy and what I perceived as an impersonal treatment of the life-altering dilemma I was facing angered me greatly. In response, I gave her an unscheduled “performance review” over the phone.

How not to respond

Notably, I have designed and delivered many Performance Review training courses to leaders of large organizations. And I understand what is beneficial and what is inadvisable. However, at that moment, I threw caution to the wind. Suffice it to say, my message to her broke her down. So much so that she stepped away and asked me to speak to her colleague, who handled the situation well. Everything seemed right. However, it wasn’t. Sure, I could point to what she did wrong. And I wanted to do so. However, that is a dead end! I had minimized her and treated her poorly, and my behavior was beneath me. I was wrong. Full stop.

You broke it. Fix it.

I had broken someone’s spirit and needed to repair it. The next day, I called and asked to speak to the lady I had mistreated. On the phone, it seemed like we were in a lion’s den: she was a wounded puppy, and I was the lioness. The scale was unfairly imbalanced! And the onus was on me to make it right. Quickly, I gave her a true apology: one focused on what I did wrong, without sneaking in tidbits about what she did to contribute to my misdeed. – For such adjustments result in a justification, not an apology.

In a real apology, a person owns their misdeeds and asks for forgiveness. They do not deflect. She was surprised and graciously accepted my apology. And I learned a vital lesson.

My grief is not everyone’s problem

As brutal as it may seem, my grief is not everyone’s problem or responsibility. From that moment, I decided to handle my trial with multiple sclerosis by limiting my inner circle to those I trusted and knew would tell me the truth.

I chose friends who, because they loved me, would say, “Is that really true, or I think you might be misinterpreting a situation”, when I griped. Not those who would lament my misfortunes with me until I drowned in oblivion.

How not to deal with pain

Misfortune is an equal opportunity offender, and if we live long enough, we will experience it. Therefore, we must know what to do, and not do, when it comes our way.

When I see someone who has suffered, I feel compassionate. However, that compassion turns into disbelief when they use their pain to hurt others. Leveraging pain to hurt others is transference of pain. It sometimes appears in the form of maladaptive responses to unresolved trauma and could include practices such as expecting others to grant privileges and honors that were not earned. Unfortunately, such behavior can transform a hurt person into a sophisticated version of the one who hurt them. And no one deserves to be a punching bag. – Not even for a hurting soul! 

A better way to handle pain

Ironically, when people are hurt, they don’t always seek revenge from the one who hurt them. They may set their sights on an innocent victim instead. – Out of fear. Or because they view revenge as unbecoming: In our early years, we are taught to forgive. And, as adults, we are told letting go of past hurts is a mark of greatness. Therefore, it seems easier to hurt innocent people under the guise of mutuality. But let’s think about it: suppose a person gives their friend, who is heartbroken because of job loss, an illicit drug, and the friend knowingly takes it and passes away. Is the one who gave the drug justified because his friend took it willfully?

Here is the battle of legality and morality. – The legality bar is lower than the morality threshold: Legally, some poor behavior is justifiable. However, morally, no excuse justifies poor behavior. When we hurt others, the better approach is to take accountability, not make excuses. And when we are hurt, to get better, we need to welcome those who love us and give us straight talk. After all, we go to therapists for this, so why don’t we also seek and welcome it from our trusted friends?

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pexels | Alex Green