The Life Puzzles Series: Piece 1

Today, we shall begin our exploration of life puzzles by considering two related needs, sometimes thought of as the same. Here, I am referring to happiness and joy.
Humans have many needs! – We need air, shelter, love, and much more! We even need to feel needed and wanted! Fortunately, some of our critical needs are satisfied effortlessly. For example, we don’t wake up at 5 am and run around the block scouting for air to breathe. Instead, as we lay in bed, we spontaneously inhale and exhale. When we are unable to, we know there is a problem. But fulfilling other vital needs like happiness and joy is not so effortless. Think about it: what would you say if someone asked you these questions:
1. How does one find happiness?
2. Are you joyful?

Understanding happiness and joy

These sound like questions one might read in an anthology. However, every so often, it benefits us to ponder them. To start, let us consider the meaning of the words.
– Happiness is a pleasant and contented mental state. (Definition from the 1500s)
– Joy is a source of pleasure or happiness. (Definition from the 1300s)
I bet most of us could guess the definition of happiness before we read it. But the description of joy likely surprised many of us.

An encounter with joy

Several months ago, in a blog post titled The Joy of Serving, I shared an experience that delighted me. I checked into a hospital for surgery, and the high level of care the medical staff provided was commendable. But what blew me away was the joy they effused with every action! Minutes into my stay, I realized that joy is their superpower, and they emanate it to subdue the pain others feel.

Lately, I have been intrigued by the concept of joy. But it was not always so. When I was younger, I pursued happiness with a vengeance. Of course, this is not unique! Around every corner, humans seem to be on a rabid chase for happiness, money, and romantic love. Notably, many chase money and romantic love, believing it will make them happy. But sooner or later, all realize an undisputable truth: Money and romantic love can lead to excitement and thrills, but they are not tickets to sustained happiness.
Eventually, disappointment leads many to ask, what truly makes one happy? Essentially, what is the source of happiness?

The source of happiness

As we ponder what makes us happy, we may conclude that happiness comes from what we get – flowery compliments, a romantic partner, or a sizable bonus at work. – This belief places the key to our satisfaction squarely in the hands of others. However, we know that others are not responsible for our happiness. Also, no matter how many happy moments we infuse into our lives, other feelings such as insecurity, fear, fatigue, or boredom will inevitably surface because feelings are transitory. For this reason, it is worth considering the source of happiness, not solely aiming to feel happy. The rationale for doing so is surprisingly plain!

Pursuing happiness and ignoring joy is similar to a farmer pouring all their energy and resources into harvesting apples from a nearby garden rather than growing an apple tree. Happiness is momentary, and joy is enduring. As the source of happiness is joy, what if we cultivate joy?

A transformative pursuit

I grasped the value of joy unexpectedly! It transformed from an ethereal concept to a lucid one when I learned the true purpose of marriage. Most of us would react to the statement above in one of two ways. – It might put us off if we believe marriage is not worth aspiring for. Or it might perk us up if we are a proponent of marriage and believe everyone should tie the knot.
I fall in neither camp: I am not anti-marriage. However, I do not believe all should marry, as other than parenting, few commitments, if any, require more selflessness. Also, marriage is not an entitlement or a requirement for living. Marriage is an unparalleled opportunity, a significant responsibility, and requires readiness. It is an honor when one chooses to ready oneself and co-create life with another.

To make this more palpable, I’ll share the journey that led to this realization.

The winding road to joy

Like many of us, I have seen marriages blossom to soaring heights while others have plunged to unimaginable lows. With this backdrop, I took a winding road to decide whether I wanted to get married. In my teens, like many young girls, I was convinced I would get married. To me, it just made sense! – I come from a family of formidable women who married early. Therefore, when I was still single in my late 20s, convinced I had not met the one for me, I was puzzled and concluded my one did not exist, as I was not supposed to get married. And I resolved to live for the rest of my days like Wonder Woman: Grow my innate capabilities and save the world – on my own. This plan made sense until I realized no woman or man can thrive in isolation.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, I decided to adopt a new strategy!

Realization prompts change

Next, I figured: I like myself. I know how to live well alone, and I have great friends. Surely, those are the required ingredients for thriving! Therefore, I will focus on strengthening and cultivating the strongest friendships, and I will be good to go! Excitedly, I set out on this path. And it seemed to be the answer for a short while! – I was never bored, my social life was buzzing, and work kept me plenty busy! Unknowingly, I was feeling a void and filling it with substitutes, and they were inadequate. For us chocoholics, this would be akin to substituting a chocolate bran muffin for Chocolate Molten Lava cake. It just wouldn’t do the trick! 😉

Finally, I got tired of substituting, aka running. I knew the right direction of travel and was ready to take it. In an act of pure surrender, I submitted to the age-old wise words: run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. Again puzzled, I contended with a crucial question: Here, what is the prize? To grow boundlessly and revel in the glory of my greatness? Surely not! How could I labor tirelessly to have more to share yet not give to the max? In time, I learned my opportunity was co-creation in a lifetime partnership, and I set out on the journey. – Not to find my partner but to develop the required skills for a fulfilling lifelong partnership. Fortunately, I had some stellar examples, such as my parents, dear friends, and a host of books and coaching resources.

However, the magnanimous unveiling surfaced on a rainy day.

A magnanimous unveiling

One gray day, underneath stormy clouds, I conversed with my Creator and realized I did not understand what I sought. Specifically, I aspired to create a union, but I did not understand the basis of such a union. The union I am referring to is marriage. By design, marriage is a paragon for co-creating life with another. It is a selfless act, and a vital ingredient is service. Yet, in marriage, we often focus on getting what we want and need, not what we will give and can offer. For example, in pursuit of a spouse, many present their wants and needs in a list of must-haves, should-haves, nice-to-haves, and won’t-haves. But aside from scripted vows at a wedding ceremony that collects dust after the event, few communicate what they will offer and sacrifice to contribute to a successful, fulfilling, and long-lasting union.

Ironically, in other pursuits, we use a different approach. For example, a serious candidate would not walk into an interview and ramble on about all they require from an employer. Instead, they would prepare and articulate several ways they will contribute to ensure mutual success.
If this is our approach and expectation for what is often a relatively short-term arrangement, why would one pour less into what one intends to last for a lifetime?

Lessons in the valley of growth

Unlocking this insight propelled me to discover what I had to offer and where I needed to grow! Along the growth journey that I will always be on, I realized the flaws in my thinking and was grateful that I was not yet married. – The wrong thinking would have skewed my choice of a partner and perspective of marriage.
Importantly, from many, I learned that the prize of marriage is the opportunity to form a great friendship, love wholeheartedly, and serve another. For a marriage to stand the test of time and trials of life, both partners must be service-oriented, and a serving mindset enables joy.

Also, on the winding road, one of my great discoveries was realizing that the goal in marriage is not to get a person, i.e., a spouse. Such a person is a gift – a priceless gift. The goal is to make an indelible impact through a journey of growth and co-creation. After this discovery, though the circumstances did not change, my path became clear. I understood my need to be on the winding road, i.e., the valley of growth, and cultivated joy. Joy is a profound sense of hope and contentment that is present regardless of circumstances.

Unsurprisingly, this extends beyond marriage! It also applies to other relationships. Robust personal and professional relationships are grounded in a serving mindset. This mindset springs from joy and enables one to see beyond oneself, see what others need and contribute, not focus on receiving.

Friend, we all desire to be happy. Happiness is a human need.
However, given the unpredictability and the occurrence of hills and valleys in life, developing the ability to find contentment regardless of circumstance is invaluable. I hope we do not fixate on fleeting happy moments but also aim for the source of happiness. Pursue joy.

Until next time!

For you and to you,
Aké

Image credit: Pexels | Nina Uhlikova