I could give this piece any number of titles: The struggle of one-half. The truth about vulnerability. Or: The plight of the modern man. But one speaks loudest: Love Myth 3: “I’m fine all by myself.”

In our modern day, the challenge men face with loneliness is undeniable! Several studies reveal the hardship caused by the struggle. One study reported that in the U.S., one in four men under age 35 reports feeling lonely. Another found that unmarried men aged 40-60 were 3.5 times more likely to die by suicide compared to married men and unmarried women of a similar age. And yet another study found that in the U.S., unmarried men aged 40-75 years had a 2-fold risk of suicide compared to married men of the same age group.

Suffice it to say that the plethora of bad news is overwhelming. Fortunately, the awareness of risk propels us to seek solutions!

Loneliness: The plight of the modern man.

Some suggest that men can fill the vacuum left by the absence of a lifetime partner with other interests and pursuits. Like a thousand fancy dinners or a hundred high-speed rides in fancy cars can offer more than a temporary distraction and fill a lonely heart.

Marriage and lifelong romantic relationships are not for all. Marriage, in particular, requires a significant degree of sacrifice and selflessness that is undigestible for some. For this reason, one must be intentional when committing to a lifelong partnership. Such a commitment is a pledge to be transparent – to allow another person to see us and enable them to feel valued. We all desire to be seen with our imperfections, yet chosen. – To be with someone who recognizes that we are a gold bar surrounded by impurities, and allows us to see their own impurities and champion them.

Perhaps, the greatest gift a life partner offers to their beloved is the validation that comes from being valued. We feel valued when another person allows us to see them and helps us to offer our unique value to benefit others. Above all else, from love, we seek validation.

Love is valuing another.

All of this raises a vital question that could address the challenge many men face as they seek love, companionship, and a lifetime partner. The question is: Do you know how to make another feel valued?

In great partnerships, partners know the answer to this question – for each other. And searching for the answer is very exciting: Here, one gets to be themselves and receives the gift of validation!
Unfortunately, we sometimes miss this opportunity because while pursuing a union, we reject what enables unity. And that is vulnerability: It is allowing oneself to be seen and known, or as the etymological definition suggests, allowing oneself to be wounded. Of course, it is frightening to be wounded, so we might elect to be a phantom: Nowadays, it is easier than ever to show up as a phantom!

The emergence of phantoms.

As we build relationships online, we can easily present a facade or one side of ourselves and never allow the other person to see and know who we are. We might say to another, You can know my name. However, you cannot see me or hear my voice. Such a relationship sits on invulnerability and a lack of transparency – an unstable foundation where no one feels safe.

Undoubtedly, such an approach is a misstep and will never lead to a good end because the other person never feels truly valued. Or believes they really matter. – This highlights the significance of invulnerability in the plight of the modern man!

Invulnerability: A keystone of the plight.

Men often share that it is hard to be vulnerable. They say this challenge started when they were children. Then, they learned that real men are tough, and such a man is never wounded. Therefore, many do not show signs of pain. Instead, they silence their feelings and cultivate bravado tendencies. But to build a loving relationship with a woman, a man must be vulnerable, as it enables her to feel valued. Men can alleviate the burden of loneliness by gaining the courage to allow themselves to be known, seen, accepted, and loved by another.

We do not come into this world alone, and it is not good for us to lead life alone or die alone. While we are here, we must find the courage to aim for a better end.

For you and to you,
Aké

P.S. Dear reader: Love captivates and inspires me. Therefore, this week, I will deviate from my usual rhythm and share another piece midweek on October 15. See you then!

Image credit: Pixabay | HolgersFotografie