Conflict is Necessary in Relationships!
On Tuesday at 5:36 am, while finishing a 4-set leg press at the gym, I listened to the last line of a fascinating audiobook called Fight Right! The book aims to teach readers how to resolve conflicts in relationships. Although its teachings target romantic relationships, particularly marriage, they can benefit any human interaction, making it a great use of time. I enjoyed the book immensely. And I was grateful for that, as I made the purchase decision immediately after glancing at the blurb! Although that behavior is not my norm, I did it for two reasons.
An opportunity to learn
First, the book was by authors I am fond of about a topic I am passionate about: co-creating healthy relationships! Or as I fondly think of it, relationshipping!
Second, the title, Fight Right intrigued me! Unless we mute ourselves or others restrict us from expressing ourselves, fighting is inevitable. We all fight. Hopefully, we do not fight physically! However, even when fights are verbal and emotional, they can leave us feeling confused and hopeless! Therefore, we tend to assume that if a relationship is to last, we should not fight. This presumption never sat well with me. Being passionate, expression, not avoidance, is more natural to me. Accepting this reality took some time.
Love and conflict
As a child, if someone dear ignored me, I felt unseen. To me, feeling unseen was the worst! Quietly, I would disappear into my room and write in my journal. Unfailingly, my mom would notice my absence, find me, sit with me, and discuss my concerns. She was incredibly present, and in her presence, time seemed to stand still. Her commitment to understanding me was liberating and comforting. I knew I mattered to her: She saw me and desperately wanted to know me. She was busy, yet time after time, she chose to be with me. – This is love, and I learned how to love from my mom.
Additionally, I gathered that discussing issues to achieve mutual understanding, not necessarily identical understanding, was the best way to bridge the gap in relationships. From then on, though scary, I resolved to do my best to address conflicts with those I love. However, I quickly learned that just because one has a drive to resolve conflict does not mean one is skilled at it. Conflict resolution is a skill. We acquire skills by learning, and living well requires embarking on a lifelong learning journey.
Reading Fight Right by John and Julie Schwartz Gottman was part of my learning journey. Eagerly, I plowed through the content – often, waking up in the middle of the night to finish a chapter or two or three. Suffice it to say, I was entranced, and I garnered many gems. Here are two bright ones.
Contempt damages!
Despising someone, whether covertly or openly, and showing a lack of respect for them is contempt. In addition to making others feel ashamed and unvalued, such treatment weakens the immune system and makes individuals more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses!
Most would agree that treating others contemptuously is wrong! However, we can easily do so by being callous or careless with our words. When this happens, we might justify our actions by feigning authenticity and say that we are being honest about how we feel. Ultimately, this is a way of skirting the issue. It is critical to be in touch with our feelings, but we must be compassionate and discerning about how to convey and express them to others. When contempt is present, we cannot cultivate healthy relationships.
Another powerful insight was that understanding must precede advice.
Seek to understand before telling or suggesting!
I love the potency and simplicity of this point!
We cannot resolve a problem with another person without understanding their perspective. Well-reasoned words may temporarily distract one from their hurt feelings. However, when the issue is unaddressed, it lies dormant, and it is just a matter of time and opportunity before it resurfaces. In business, we know this! Therefore, we strive to understand customers’ pain points and ensure they feel heard before we offer a solution.
However, in personal relationships, we sometimes think we can bypass understanding the other person and build a healthy relationship based solely on our perceptions and assumptions. Here, we conclude that if others honestly care about us, they will trust our intentions and accept us just as we are. This approach minimizes the possibility of growth and is fruitless.
When others do not feel seen and heard by us, they do not feel valued and struggle to trust us. To resolve conflict, we must aim to understand others, and to do so, we must connect with them. It is the path to peace.
For you and to you,
Aké
Image credit: Pexels | Alena Darmel
Kennedi Maggio
September 1, 2025Your articles never fail to captivate me. Each one is a testament to your expertise and dedication to your craft. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world.
Coralie Morar
September 1, 2025Your blog is a constant source of inspiration for me. Your passion for your subject matter is palpable, and it’s clear that you pour your heart and soul into every post. Keep up the incredible work!
Reymundo Wintheiser
September 1, 2025Your blog is a beacon of light in the often murky waters of online content. Your thoughtful analysis and insightful commentary never fail to leave a lasting impression. Keep up the amazing work!
Hayden Stiedemann
September 1, 2025Hey there You have done a fantastic job I will certainly digg it and personally recommend to my friends Im confident theyll be benefited from this site
Garrison Weber
September 2, 2025I just could not depart your web site prior to suggesting that I really loved the usual info an individual supply in your visitors Is gonna be back regularly to check up on new posts
Destany Konopelski
September 2, 2025Your blog is a breath of fresh air in the often stagnant world of online content. Your thoughtful analysis and insightful commentary never fail to leave a lasting impression. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
Kaelyn Morar
September 2, 2025Your blog is a constant source of inspiration for me. Your passion for your subject matter is palpable, and it’s clear that you pour your heart and soul into every post. Keep up the incredible work!
Ubaldo Harber
September 3, 2025Your blog is a constant source of inspiration for me. Your passion for your subject matter shines through in every post, and it’s clear that you genuinely care about making a positive impact on your readers.
admin
September 5, 2025Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!
admin
September 5, 2025Thank you, Kaelyn. I am glad to hear it inspires you.
admin
September 5, 2025Thank you for your thoughtful response, Destany!
admin
September 5, 2025Thank you, Hayden. I am glad you find this valuable.
admin
September 5, 2025Thank you so much Reymundo! I appreciate you reading and responding.
admin
September 5, 2025Thank you so much, Coralie! I am glad this is helpful.
admin
September 5, 2025Thank you so much, Kennedi. I appreciate you sharing this!