For decades in schools and business settings, we were told that relating to others leads to friendships and career progression. Obediently, we picked up hobbies – including some we did not enjoy. We also joined a variety of teams – even those we had no interest in whatsoever! Later, we realized that “relating” could be counterproductive!

Now you may be thinking, what?!

How could that be?

Several years ago, I was at lunch with a new friend. As I savored my Mediterranean salad, she asked me how I was feeling health-wise. Instantly, I knew she was inquiring about multiple sclerosis (MS), as many people dance around the subject without saying the name. In response, I mentioned things like increased fatigue. In the past, I could “get away” with four hours of sleep daily. But that was no longer the case! I got tired faster, and my sleep schedule changed: Every night, I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and felt ready to start the day. So, I had an early start, but by 8:30 p.m., I was ready to hit the sheets. Then, I mentioned that I also had an increased need for stretching.

Astonishingly, she responded, “I often feel the same. I think I have MS too.”

I couldn’t believe what she said and was even more taken aback when I realized she wasn’t joking!

Do you really mean that?

Flabbergasted, I said, Oh no! Please don’t say that! I would never wish this on anyone. And I recalled how, when I was diagnosed, I spent chunks of my life obsessing over what would become of me. Then I noticed that medical teams were gauging my emotional health as much as my physical health – as is customary with MS care. Later, I understood why! After cancer, progressive neurological disorders like MS are the leading reasons for euthanasia requests. While I do not have the progressive type, I understand the weight of the psychological toll: It’s like being dragged out of your house in the middle of the night and handed a life sentence without parole and no trial. It is soul-crushing! However, with an ounce of courage, a mustard seed of faith, and a bit of hope, one realizes that true love – the source of life – is their ticket to freedom. – A ticket they had access to all along that no one can take away.

Of course, my friend is kind and meant no harm. However, she fell into a trap: She made it about herself because she was trying to relate to me. At some point, we have all fallen into this trap.

The reality of relating.

At the extreme, relating to others becomes a desperate attempt to prove our worthiness so we may be accepted and chosen – even when it requires us to hide who we truly are. But most of the time, it is an innocent attempt to bond with others.

Realistically, we do not necessarily bond with others because we share common experiences. Many family members, neighbors, and colleagues have a lot in common but do not care much for each other. The strongest connections are formed through mutual understanding: Leaning in with curiosity and welcoming the possibility of not knowing while learning.

Want to bond?

Consider this: don’t focus on proving how similar you are. Instead, make it about others. If they are for you, they’ll be inspired to bond with you because you showed them you care. And in today’s me-first world, that is priceless.

For you and to you,
Aké

P.S. My accompaniment for this piece is the deeply poignant song Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey.

Image credit: Pexels | Michaela St