From Surrender to Freedom
The Life Puzzles Series: Piece 10
“You never know.”
These were three words my wonderful sister Jessie often spoke. I never understood the depth of the statement when she made it, but now, I do. My mom and I often remember specific moments when Jessie uttered these words. It happened when we spoke about the future with ironclad certainty by saying this will or will not happen! – As many do nowadays! Recently, all around us, we frequently hear such declarations as many contemplate and attempt to predict the outcome of health struggles, volatile political landscapes, troubled relationships, and natural disasters. With such statements, we try to evade pain and take control of the future by beating vulnerability to the punch, to quote Brené Brown. However, this is a futile attempt because it is impossible to feel sorrows that will emerge tomorrow, today. Today is the time capsule of opportunities, and tomorrow is the time capsule of dreams. Making this realization was instrumental in embracing a mindset I hold dear today called pure surrender.
What is Pure Surrender?
We know what surrender is. – It is agreeing to stop fighting, hiding, or resisting because you know you will not win. Fundamentally, it is what we do when we are out of viable options. And as is the case when troops surrender their fort, it is intentional but not preferred. However, pure surrender is starkly different! Pure surrender is a deliberate decision to let go of pain and forgo the need for the offender to make us whole. By making peace with pain and accepting loss, we glean lessons and embrace the future.
Making peace with pain
Making peace with pain is not giving pain a permanent position in our hearts. Instead, it is a deliberate act of letting go of what weighs us down. – By releasing our attachment to the feeling or situation. Although vital for healing, this can be extremely difficult to do. Because when we experience heart-wrenching loss, we might think, I am in an unfortunate and unfair situation. Why should I have to put in any effort, much less make peace with anyone or anything? I did not ask for this! Admittedly, I felt the same until one evening when I realized bondage is an output of holding onto pain. Here is how the realization unfolded!
Once upon a time, while on a project, I relocated temporarily and lived in a different state for a few months. On a Friday, a coworker invited me to accompany her to a dinner her friend was hosting. Having nothing better to do that evening, I accepted her invitation. When we arrived at the fine dining restaurant, we joined about 20 women aged between 30 and 55. Several were already seated at the tables. Not wanting to cause any disruption, we decided to take the first empty seats we could find. Therefore, we did not sit together. I sat between two women and immediately introduced myself to both. The one on my right came with a friend. But the lady on my left was alone, and I decided to converse with her. Our discussion quickly drifted to work, as often happens during such events.
A dark but enlightening discussion
Once I shared where I worked, she had the most peculiar response. In a suspicious tone, she said, Oh! You work at that company! That is where my ex-husband works. Thrilled to have something in common, I responded, that is great! What organization does he work in? Unbeknownst to me, I had just opened a can of worms! She mentioned the organization and quickly spoke about how deplorable he was because he was unfaithful to her after over 25 years of marriage. And they got divorced. Admittedly, I do not take kindly to unfaithfulness. However, there was little opportunity to get a word in and empathize with her as she sharply expressed her disgust at her ex for what he did and the punishment he deserved.
Desperate to lighten the mood, I asked her where she lived. But that question plunged us deeper into the can of worms: She stated that she lived in an upscale condo in an area I was familiar with. Immediately, I began raving about how beautiful those condos were and how her view must be exquisite. Unready to get off the rollercoaster, she responded that her condo cost a fortune, but he agreed to pay for it because he knew how horrific what he did was! A few minutes later, I was surprised to learn the divorce was final on paper many years ago. When I left the dinner that evening, I felt a heaviness in my spirit because the lady was in deep pain, and I did not feel I had been helpful.
When we must sit
I will never understand what that lady went through that resulted in such profound pain. And none of us can place a timeline or deadline for how another should process pain. However, when we don’t know what others have experienced, it can be tempting to cast stones and avoid looking in the mirror. But we all have experiences that can lead us down the same path where we are held captive by hurt. I experienced it when my wonderful sister, Jessie, was no longer here.
For years, I tried to forget the pain of her untimely and sudden departure as some encouraged me to with statements like, you should be grateful for the time you spent with her. And the support you have through this. Everyone is not so fortunate. It will pass. Although those messages were well-intentioned, they were as unhelpful as when one is offended and told that true forgiveness requires forgetting the offense happened. Unless one is afflicted with an unfortunate health condition that leads to forgetfulness, forgetting offenses is not a realistic expectation. The opportunity is to sit with pain and consciously let it go along with the desire for retribution. – This is when pure surrender happens. – It happens when letting go is accompanied by forgiveness.
The value of pure surrender
To be purely surrendered, we must forgive. In that position, we make peace with pain by accepting what we lost, releasing our emotional connection to the offender, and moving forward one step at a time. Powerfully, by so doing, we also free ourselves. I have had the opportunity to sit at the feet of people who have modeled this. Through their courageous examples, I have seen what is possible and the freedom that comes when one resists fighting pain and instead makes peace with it. Rather than fleeing it or denying it is there. While this is not easy, the empowerment it produces is unparalleled.
Here’s to living peacefully within and with others!
Until next time!
For you and to you,
Aké
Image credit: Pixels | Luis Gonzalez